Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
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