Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
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