i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
