Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
