highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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