My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
