My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
