How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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