I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done
Victory lap
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
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