my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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