I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
