Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I'm gonna fight the coyote
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
