Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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