We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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