dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
