For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
