Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
