Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
