I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
