Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
