I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
