I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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