I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
