I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Randomize