There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
