Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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