honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
