if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Sext me about skeletons
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Randomize
