I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Dicks are not precious.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
