Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Randomize
