my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
