Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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