I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
dude. I can hear the air.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
