My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
