Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
