Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
