I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
