Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
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