As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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