yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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