Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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