Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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