she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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