R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
