it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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