highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
My ATM looks so different sober.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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