Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
