the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I cut my penus on the lid.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
