Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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