I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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