The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
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