Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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