so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Randomize
