textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Randomize
