You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
